Unfathomed

On Dealing and Dying, Part 2

(I wrote such a long blog, it wouldn't put it all in one, so read part 1 first XD)

I went through, and am still dealing with, a long time in a "desert" where I could feel anything but confusion and anger and sorrow. Over life and things that were happening, and how my family seemed to be ripping apart at every angle. With Carla, with Richard, MOm, Dad, Crystal, Mike, Alana..... and there was I, feeling helpless and hopeless and wondering why if it was my fault. Wondering if somehow, I was keeping our family from improving because I couldn't let GOd handle it. Maybe everyone else was praying for healing except for me. I fought with that, and I fought with a dryness in my spirit.

I have to give credit to God though, because He let me unfold some rather painful emotions that i wrote down for Him. THrough it all, every once in a while I would stay awake at night and write my soul onto a page, in poetry or prose. I would talk to God with my voice or with my pen. Pleading with Him, crying out, asking why and how and when would it all end? I realize that i haven't written anything with half so much emotion as i did then. When I read back, my words make me cry all over again. maybe it's because I know personally the depth of emotion I poured into those pages. Maybe it's because it was between me and God that I feel it so deeply.

It's not that I have suffered loss or abuse or divorce or any of the cruelest family problems out there. My life has probably been really easy and good compared to most. I don't say that thinking I'm somehow better. It makes me realize that you don't have to go through what people consider the worst of experiences to be torn apart. The Devil uses all situations to get into your heart and mind and soul. My sister had a baby outside of marriage. She was, and i suppose still is, the 'black sheep' or our family. But I don't like to think of her that way. Yes, she has been in more trouble than any of us put together, but she is my sister, and I have forgiven her for it all. Even if it doesn't seem like she needs forgiveness from me. It's not like she sinned against ME. But I knew that she felt judged by all of us, like she had somehow let us all down. maybe she still feels that way. The point is that I went through a tough time personally. It was my life and it got shaken. It got shaken pretty bad. I fell and I'm trying to pick myself up again.

You know, looking way back, when I got baptized in November over two years ago, someone told me that i was "adding rocket-fuel to my faith" and they told me that the Devil would try ten times harder to bring me down because of it. I know that that is true. I don't believe for a minute that all of this was just to get ME. It was against my whole family, and we have all suffered. But it still rings true, and it was not even six months after november that things went down and down and down. I didn't see it as an attack. The only thing I saw spiritually in this was how God wasn't taking care of us. Of me. Me mostly. I have been selfish through this whole time. I still am, but I know it now. I'm not sure how much of a difference that makes, but atleast I'm aware of my faults and can pray about it.

SO I've been trying out this whole trust issue. Actually, there's a lot of things I need to try. Like being thankful, praising God for all things. Allowing God to do things in my life, and knowing that i have to give Him permission to help me and heal me. Countless things that are missing from my relationship. It's a long list, but I'm not going to focus on what I don't have. I need to strengthen my bond with my Lord and get close. Just listen and pray. Pray pray pray.

I don't feel a lot closer to God than I did maybe six months ago. But I feel like there's just one more hurdle to cross before I can truly let go and be all out for God. I feel like there is still something holding me back. Doubt, unwillingness, fear. That's a big one. I can't imagine what I need to do or say or endure before I can come to terms with myself and let God come closer. But I do know that it's between Him and me and I need to talk to Him. I need to talk to Him a lot.

God Bless

posted by Robyn at 7:14 AM