Simply Something
Here I am once more... I think I haven't written more than once within a week for a very long time. Anyways... Life has been a few licks short of a lollipop. Hah, made you think with that one, didn't I? I know I know... my wit is too much for you!
On the serious side, though, I don't think I've ever EVER had so many prayers on my mind. Jessica and I were at Sarah's house on Tuesday, and before we went home we decided we needed to pray for Jessica, and the blood clot she might have in her brain (Which we found out today is really small, so no surgery! Yays!) and she was scared. So we wanted to pray for her, but she doesn't like to be the only object, if you will, of prayer, so we kind of just kept saying people and situations that came to mind that needed prayer, and we just kind of couldn't stop. SO many people that God has laid on our hearts, it's overwhelming! It's not that there's a whole lot more going on than normal (well maybe) because there's always alot happening, but I've never felt so close to it all. It all affects me, and my very dear friends. I feel like I have a passion to pray for these people. It matters to me, like prayers have never really mattered before. How did that happen I wonder? How do I suddenly care about it all and am able to pour out in prayer, not because I have to, but because it is what I want to do. Crazy. I think i like it.
I decided that i'm not going to rush God. So many times I have faced God and said "Okay, I'm ready work in me NOW, show me NOW, I don't want to wait to know you." Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just sets me up for disappointment and a quick fall back into nothingness. So I'm going to try and trust God to work in His own time. Like a real relationship... you gotta take it slow, really start out with the basics.. the little things. Like worship and prayer and reading His word. I don't need to see angels dancing around my bed, or hear a voice booming in the clouds, or find some revelation that catapults me into some sort of spiritual high.
It is simple. So so simple, and for me it's starting with worship and prayer and His Word. That is where I will spend my times with God. Yeah, I think that's perfect.
On Dealing and Dying, Part 2
(I wrote such a long blog, it wouldn't put it all in one, so read part 1 first XD)
I went through, and am still dealing with, a long time in a "desert" where I could feel anything but confusion and anger and sorrow. Over life and things that were happening, and how my family seemed to be ripping apart at every angle. With Carla, with Richard, MOm, Dad, Crystal, Mike, Alana..... and there was I, feeling helpless and hopeless and wondering why if it was my fault. Wondering if somehow, I was keeping our family from improving because I couldn't let GOd handle it. Maybe everyone else was praying for healing except for me. I fought with that, and I fought with a dryness in my spirit.
I have to give credit to God though, because He let me unfold some rather painful emotions that i wrote down for Him. THrough it all, every once in a while I would stay awake at night and write my soul onto a page, in poetry or prose. I would talk to God with my voice or with my pen. Pleading with Him, crying out, asking why and how and when would it all end? I realize that i haven't written anything with half so much emotion as i did then. When I read back, my words make me cry all over again. maybe it's because I know personally the depth of emotion I poured into those pages. Maybe it's because it was between me and God that I feel it so deeply.
It's not that I have suffered loss or abuse or divorce or any of the cruelest family problems out there. My life has probably been really easy and good compared to most. I don't say that thinking I'm somehow better. It makes me realize that you don't have to go through what people consider the worst of experiences to be torn apart. The Devil uses all situations to get into your heart and mind and soul. My sister had a baby outside of marriage. She was, and i suppose still is, the 'black sheep' or our family. But I don't like to think of her that way. Yes, she has been in more trouble than any of us put together, but she is my sister, and I have forgiven her for it all. Even if it doesn't seem like she needs forgiveness from me. It's not like she sinned against ME. But I knew that she felt judged by all of us, like she had somehow let us all down. maybe she still feels that way. The point is that I went through a tough time personally. It was my life and it got shaken. It got shaken pretty bad. I fell and I'm trying to pick myself up again.
You know, looking way back, when I got baptized in November over two years ago, someone told me that i was "adding rocket-fuel to my faith" and they told me that the Devil would try ten times harder to bring me down because of it. I know that that is true. I don't believe for a minute that all of this was just to get ME. It was against my whole family, and we have all suffered. But it still rings true, and it was not even six months after november that things went down and down and down. I didn't see it as an attack. The only thing I saw spiritually in this was how God wasn't taking care of us. Of me. Me mostly. I have been selfish through this whole time. I still am, but I know it now. I'm not sure how much of a difference that makes, but atleast I'm aware of my faults and can pray about it.
SO I've been trying out this whole trust issue. Actually, there's a lot of things I need to try. Like being thankful, praising God for all things. Allowing God to do things in my life, and knowing that i have to give Him permission to help me and heal me. Countless things that are missing from my relationship. It's a long list, but I'm not going to focus on what I don't have. I need to strengthen my bond with my Lord and get close. Just listen and pray. Pray pray pray.
I don't feel a lot closer to God than I did maybe six months ago. But I feel like there's just one more hurdle to cross before I can truly let go and be all out for God. I feel like there is still something holding me back. Doubt, unwillingness, fear. That's a big one. I can't imagine what I need to do or say or endure before I can come to terms with myself and let God come closer. But I do know that it's between Him and me and I need to talk to Him. I need to talk to Him a lot.
God Bless
On Dealing and Dying, Part 1
I feel like so much has been going on lately. Not necessarily in my own life, but in everyone around me, and it affects me. My friends all have some kind of problem of another. And what have I been doing? Getting caught up in them and me and not much else. School and work and homework. I really have no idea what happened in the last month or more. If you asked me "So, Robyn, what did you do in Fabruary?" I honestly couldn't tell you. It's like I did nothing of consequence. I hardly even spent time with friends away from school. Course, I went to West Ed with Dara, and we were both so tired the second day that we just sort of walked around... XD yeah. LOve you Dara!
Mexico was a killer for a while. Should I or shouldn't I? I feel soo much relief that I'm not going. I really do. And while I'm still not sure if it was all in my own head, or God was telling me NO, or the Devil was tripping me up... I don't know, but I don't feel torn up about it. I do feel a little bit of dissappointment, because Brittany told me she was excited to go with ME. I figured she would have other friends there, which she does. She'll be fine. I still want to go on a short-term missions trip. But not now. Not with Mr. P or with Koinonia, or anything else. I want to go with a church or something. A trip that has a leader I can talk to and actually agree with on more than one point. AND most importantly, a trip that my GOD wants me to be on. I can only pray that I will know. Maybe He doesn't want to me to anywhere period. Maybe He wants me to stay here, find Him HERE.
I've been dealing with the whole trust issue lately. Why is it so hard, for instance, just to let it go? I know that God is so much greater, so much more powerful and capable than me. Infinitely. It shouldn't be so hard to let Him help me. But then again, it never is that easy, is it? Because the Enemy is always there too. My sinful human nature is always right beside my spiritual side. There are so many things to cloud the glass so that I can't see. But what is so good is that right now, this moment, I can know that God is here. I may not feel Him physically, but I can find a peace in my soul that He is watching and loving and holding me close.
