Unfathomed

What a Trip

I've only written three times this month. Two were in the same day so that doesn't even count. TWICE! AHHH!
Well then, I'm working tonite. That's fun. I haven't worked for a week. I was sick last weekend. But that's not why. I'm eating a burnt grilled cheese sandwich. I made it myself. I'm very proud. But I'm better at making Banana milkshakes. I made one of those too. It wasn't burnt. Yum.

Let's see... I was up late last night listening to an excerpt from the book I just finished reading: Showdown. Ted Dekker. It was an amazing book, and I cried and I laughed and I almost puked. It moved me. You should read it. But read The Circle Trilogy first. It makes more sense after that. Hah. So I have this CD Dara borrowed to me, and it has a song for Martyr's Song, and an interview, and an excerpt. So I was like "Ok, this is cool, I wonder what it sounds like when someone reads the book" So I listened thinking it would just be the little prologue and maybe the first chapter.... almost and hour and about six chapters later.... I'm awake listening to the stupid thing... I spent ALL evening finishing the last third of Showdown. I mean that. The WHOLE ENTIRE EVENING. Because I wanted to finish it and had nothing else to do.

Yep. Then I went to The BIngo Hall to help mom and dad clean at like 10-ish and got home at midnight and listened to a thing till after 1. Am I smart? Yes. My brain is still a little scrambled from that HORRENDOUS Chem exam yesterday. Man, that was bad. Like really bad. Just like English. And Social didn't matter becuase it's not really worth a lot.

My sandwich is cold. Ewww.

So I need to read another book. A biography for Mexico. Whooopppeee. Mr. P is driving me up the wall. The other day in our little Mexico meeting (go us...) he gave us a 'what if' question. And you know what? It actually WAS a what if question! Wow. Mr. P Will amaze you. so he said "What if, on the Mexico trip, no one was allowed to have any kind of electronics whatsoever." (He likes that word... whatsoever, immediately, things like that.... grrr...) and a bunch of us just went "WHAT?" I don't get how music could be a bad thing. He said we should have group time and alone time, and I like to listen to music. No, it's alone time with God "Be still and know that I am God" That's what he said, and it is a point that sometimes we need to be quiet and just listen, but sometimes that just doesn't work. Music that is praising God's name is not going to draw me farther away from him. Listening to music on the bus is not going to make me a loner and destroy our lovely 'team spirit' or whatever he said it was. Then he asked "How much are you willing to give up to follow Christ?" and that hurts. I don't think any of us really went into this thinking "Okay, this is like I'm a real missionary and i have to give up everything in my life" That is definitely not what I was thinking. I'm not ready to give it all up. I know I should be, but if that's not enough, then maybe they shouldn't let me go. Because I can't. I can't give up something like my music. Sorry if that's selfish, but sometimes we NEED music. We need to get away from the world sometimes.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to grasp the idea of leaving my music behind. It's becoming a lifeline, and I'm not sure I could handle silence. Or noise. Because music blocks out both of those things. I'd like to be still and just listen, but sometimes that's just not possible. Don't they get that? I don't know what to think. It's not decided yet, but I could see it as something Mr. P would do. Probably to build our characters or something. We would only be able to listen to music on the bus anyways, not at the camp. We can't always be talking to another person or being quiet. Hours and hours of either silence or deafening noise on a bus through the states. I wouldn't be able to handle that very well.

Sick. I'm sick of this and I'm not even close to going yet. I feel like it's so much more than just going to Mexico to show the kids God's love. I feel like there is too much else going on. It's not that simple.

Not that simple at all.

posted by Robyn at 11:20 AM