Unfathomed

What a Trip

I've only written three times this month. Two were in the same day so that doesn't even count. TWICE! AHHH!
Well then, I'm working tonite. That's fun. I haven't worked for a week. I was sick last weekend. But that's not why. I'm eating a burnt grilled cheese sandwich. I made it myself. I'm very proud. But I'm better at making Banana milkshakes. I made one of those too. It wasn't burnt. Yum.

Let's see... I was up late last night listening to an excerpt from the book I just finished reading: Showdown. Ted Dekker. It was an amazing book, and I cried and I laughed and I almost puked. It moved me. You should read it. But read The Circle Trilogy first. It makes more sense after that. Hah. So I have this CD Dara borrowed to me, and it has a song for Martyr's Song, and an interview, and an excerpt. So I was like "Ok, this is cool, I wonder what it sounds like when someone reads the book" So I listened thinking it would just be the little prologue and maybe the first chapter.... almost and hour and about six chapters later.... I'm awake listening to the stupid thing... I spent ALL evening finishing the last third of Showdown. I mean that. The WHOLE ENTIRE EVENING. Because I wanted to finish it and had nothing else to do.

Yep. Then I went to The BIngo Hall to help mom and dad clean at like 10-ish and got home at midnight and listened to a thing till after 1. Am I smart? Yes. My brain is still a little scrambled from that HORRENDOUS Chem exam yesterday. Man, that was bad. Like really bad. Just like English. And Social didn't matter becuase it's not really worth a lot.

My sandwich is cold. Ewww.

So I need to read another book. A biography for Mexico. Whooopppeee. Mr. P is driving me up the wall. The other day in our little Mexico meeting (go us...) he gave us a 'what if' question. And you know what? It actually WAS a what if question! Wow. Mr. P Will amaze you. so he said "What if, on the Mexico trip, no one was allowed to have any kind of electronics whatsoever." (He likes that word... whatsoever, immediately, things like that.... grrr...) and a bunch of us just went "WHAT?" I don't get how music could be a bad thing. He said we should have group time and alone time, and I like to listen to music. No, it's alone time with God "Be still and know that I am God" That's what he said, and it is a point that sometimes we need to be quiet and just listen, but sometimes that just doesn't work. Music that is praising God's name is not going to draw me farther away from him. Listening to music on the bus is not going to make me a loner and destroy our lovely 'team spirit' or whatever he said it was. Then he asked "How much are you willing to give up to follow Christ?" and that hurts. I don't think any of us really went into this thinking "Okay, this is like I'm a real missionary and i have to give up everything in my life" That is definitely not what I was thinking. I'm not ready to give it all up. I know I should be, but if that's not enough, then maybe they shouldn't let me go. Because I can't. I can't give up something like my music. Sorry if that's selfish, but sometimes we NEED music. We need to get away from the world sometimes.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to grasp the idea of leaving my music behind. It's becoming a lifeline, and I'm not sure I could handle silence. Or noise. Because music blocks out both of those things. I'd like to be still and just listen, but sometimes that's just not possible. Don't they get that? I don't know what to think. It's not decided yet, but I could see it as something Mr. P would do. Probably to build our characters or something. We would only be able to listen to music on the bus anyways, not at the camp. We can't always be talking to another person or being quiet. Hours and hours of either silence or deafening noise on a bus through the states. I wouldn't be able to handle that very well.

Sick. I'm sick of this and I'm not even close to going yet. I feel like it's so much more than just going to Mexico to show the kids God's love. I feel like there is too much else going on. It's not that simple.

Not that simple at all.

posted by Robyn at 11:20 AM | 0 comment(s)

POISON COOKIES!

Well, okay. Dara told me to just write something. So I did. =P But it's LATE, and I'm going to kill her because I've lost precious precious sleep over her. That's just how special she is. Key word being SPECIAL. That's right. And I mean that in the best possible way. I know you're laughing, so DON'T DENY IT.

It's great how everyong says I'm really spiritual. Hah. I haven't been believe me, and I wish I was more that way than anything. I'm trying to go deeper, but it always ends up hurting. Anyways, don't let this blog deceive you. Actually, read it for what it is: A screwed up teenager trying to figure God and what He wants to do in my life. Not to mention battling schoolwork and teachers and things like that. I'd love to say that I'm super spiritual and all about God, and have everyone look up to me, but the truth I guess is that I'm too far away from all of that. No one really knows how much I struggle, except for my closest friends who hear me say all the things that I do. (and you all know who you are) All the people who have seen my anger and BITTERNESS, and been angry at me. And I'd like to thank My mom, and my dad for making this moment possible...

But good news. I'm going to take some (what would you call it?) career tests, to get a list of the most likely jobs that I would be good at. I think that's how it works. I really realyl want to do it as soon as i can, because it would help even in the next semester. (whoopee, not even goign to have Social to keep me interested.) I'm going to be bored out of my freakin' life.

Notice I don't talk about guys on my blog? Hah, yeah. I'm smarter than that. Because if I did, everyone would know, and see the inner depths of my poor pitiful lovesick... soul?? Right. I need God too much. I need His romance not someone else's, but I wouldn't complain.

Stopping that paragraph before I get too carried away. Is this enough pointless cheese for you Dara? I live to please you master. hah, funny story. Once upon a time when our computer had a microphone on it, Richard recorded himself. Now, imagine my brother talking in a weird creepyish voice like that of the servant dude of Doctor Frankenstein. Roughly. And he said this: Yes, master. Whatever you saaay, master. I live to serrrve you master. That's why I will serve you a cookie with pooooison in it.

Ahem. It's was... funny. Hilarious even. You would have had to be there...

Really.

I think I'm done now. Bye.

posted by Robyn at 10:28 PM | 0 comment(s)

...

Dara is a fat yak.

That's right.

BE OFFENDED!

posted by Robyn at 9:48 PM | 0 comment(s)

Great Worth

YOUR BEAUTY SHOULD NOT COME FROM OUTWARD ADORNMENT, SUCH AS BRAIDED HAIR AND THE WEARING OF GOLD JEWELRY AND FINE CLOTHES. INSTEAD, IT SHOULD BE THAT OF YOUR INNER SELF , THE UNFADING BEAUTY OF A GENTLE AND QUIET SPIRIT, WHICH IS OF GREAT WORTH IN GOD'S SIGHT.
--1 PETER 3:3-4

I love that verse. That's mine and Sarah's, I've decided we can share it. Yes. People have told me before that I have a "quiet spirit" and that's sort of why I liked it at first. But now I realize that the people who told me that before were the kind of people who only saw me in youth group and church who only see the quiet shyness I have when I'm in groups like that of people I don't know so well. Yeah, because I think my better friends wouldn't say I have a quiet spirit... ooooh. Atleast not this year. I've been unhappy, bitter, resentful, angry, cynical, and anything but "quiet". Not all the time, but a lot of times I have been just not the nice joy joy happy kind of person. Now though, I get this verse better. I know it's not saying that woman should never talk or, heaven forbid, LOOK like anything nice. No, it's simply saying that our beauty should be MORE than outward looks. It's all about the heart.

"TO HAVE A GENTLE AND QUIET SPIRIT IS TO HAVE A HEART OF FAITH, A HEART THAT TRUSTS IN GOD, A SPIRIT THAT HAS BEEN QUIETED BY HIS LOVE AND FILLED WITH HIS PEACE. NOT A HEART THAT IS STRIVING AND RESTLESS"
(Captivating, Stasi Eldredge)

That explains it pretty well, I think. I have definitely been restless, but not really striving. Atleast not physically. More like not caring. Maybe I did have a more peaceful spirit a couple years ago, but right now I am learning to desperately want and pray for it. I want to be beautiful. A beauty that is not physical. The kind of beauty that puts others around me at rest, happy to be around you, not a striving to be perfect. The kind of infectious peace and laughter I've seen in precious few people in my life.

Janey - Mrs. Olsen - is one person like that. Just being around her, she has such joy and peace that you can't help but be happy. She is amazing, and truly beautiful. But the thing is, she's leaving! Moved to Calgary. -sigh- And I won't see her for a while. That one less wonderful person in my life.

God, I want to be beautiful. I don't want to try to make myself perfect, striving to be something I'm not on the outside. Give my Spirit peace, teach me to be captivating and full of joy. God, come into the places in my heart that are wounded and broken. Where I am angry and bitter and impatient. God heal me and touch me and be with me always. Teach me Your love. Show me how I'm beautiful, how YOU see me. Free my heart to hear Your voice. Give me a passion for Your word.

posted by Robyn at 1:20 PM | 1 comment(s)