Simply Something
Here I am once more... I think I haven't written more than once within a week for a very long time. Anyways... Life has been a few licks short of a lollipop. Hah, made you think with that one, didn't I? I know I know... my wit is too much for you!
On the serious side, though, I don't think I've ever EVER had so many prayers on my mind. Jessica and I were at Sarah's house on Tuesday, and before we went home we decided we needed to pray for Jessica, and the blood clot she might have in her brain (Which we found out today is really small, so no surgery! Yays!) and she was scared. So we wanted to pray for her, but she doesn't like to be the only object, if you will, of prayer, so we kind of just kept saying people and situations that came to mind that needed prayer, and we just kind of couldn't stop. SO many people that God has laid on our hearts, it's overwhelming! It's not that there's a whole lot more going on than normal (well maybe) because there's always alot happening, but I've never felt so close to it all. It all affects me, and my very dear friends. I feel like I have a passion to pray for these people. It matters to me, like prayers have never really mattered before. How did that happen I wonder? How do I suddenly care about it all and am able to pour out in prayer, not because I have to, but because it is what I want to do. Crazy. I think i like it.
I decided that i'm not going to rush God. So many times I have faced God and said "Okay, I'm ready work in me NOW, show me NOW, I don't want to wait to know you." Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just sets me up for disappointment and a quick fall back into nothingness. So I'm going to try and trust God to work in His own time. Like a real relationship... you gotta take it slow, really start out with the basics.. the little things. Like worship and prayer and reading His word. I don't need to see angels dancing around my bed, or hear a voice booming in the clouds, or find some revelation that catapults me into some sort of spiritual high.
It is simple. So so simple, and for me it's starting with worship and prayer and His Word. That is where I will spend my times with God. Yeah, I think that's perfect.
On Dealing and Dying, Part 2
(I wrote such a long blog, it wouldn't put it all in one, so read part 1 first XD)
I went through, and am still dealing with, a long time in a "desert" where I could feel anything but confusion and anger and sorrow. Over life and things that were happening, and how my family seemed to be ripping apart at every angle. With Carla, with Richard, MOm, Dad, Crystal, Mike, Alana..... and there was I, feeling helpless and hopeless and wondering why if it was my fault. Wondering if somehow, I was keeping our family from improving because I couldn't let GOd handle it. Maybe everyone else was praying for healing except for me. I fought with that, and I fought with a dryness in my spirit.
I have to give credit to God though, because He let me unfold some rather painful emotions that i wrote down for Him. THrough it all, every once in a while I would stay awake at night and write my soul onto a page, in poetry or prose. I would talk to God with my voice or with my pen. Pleading with Him, crying out, asking why and how and when would it all end? I realize that i haven't written anything with half so much emotion as i did then. When I read back, my words make me cry all over again. maybe it's because I know personally the depth of emotion I poured into those pages. Maybe it's because it was between me and God that I feel it so deeply.
It's not that I have suffered loss or abuse or divorce or any of the cruelest family problems out there. My life has probably been really easy and good compared to most. I don't say that thinking I'm somehow better. It makes me realize that you don't have to go through what people consider the worst of experiences to be torn apart. The Devil uses all situations to get into your heart and mind and soul. My sister had a baby outside of marriage. She was, and i suppose still is, the 'black sheep' or our family. But I don't like to think of her that way. Yes, she has been in more trouble than any of us put together, but she is my sister, and I have forgiven her for it all. Even if it doesn't seem like she needs forgiveness from me. It's not like she sinned against ME. But I knew that she felt judged by all of us, like she had somehow let us all down. maybe she still feels that way. The point is that I went through a tough time personally. It was my life and it got shaken. It got shaken pretty bad. I fell and I'm trying to pick myself up again.
You know, looking way back, when I got baptized in November over two years ago, someone told me that i was "adding rocket-fuel to my faith" and they told me that the Devil would try ten times harder to bring me down because of it. I know that that is true. I don't believe for a minute that all of this was just to get ME. It was against my whole family, and we have all suffered. But it still rings true, and it was not even six months after november that things went down and down and down. I didn't see it as an attack. The only thing I saw spiritually in this was how God wasn't taking care of us. Of me. Me mostly. I have been selfish through this whole time. I still am, but I know it now. I'm not sure how much of a difference that makes, but atleast I'm aware of my faults and can pray about it.
SO I've been trying out this whole trust issue. Actually, there's a lot of things I need to try. Like being thankful, praising God for all things. Allowing God to do things in my life, and knowing that i have to give Him permission to help me and heal me. Countless things that are missing from my relationship. It's a long list, but I'm not going to focus on what I don't have. I need to strengthen my bond with my Lord and get close. Just listen and pray. Pray pray pray.
I don't feel a lot closer to God than I did maybe six months ago. But I feel like there's just one more hurdle to cross before I can truly let go and be all out for God. I feel like there is still something holding me back. Doubt, unwillingness, fear. That's a big one. I can't imagine what I need to do or say or endure before I can come to terms with myself and let God come closer. But I do know that it's between Him and me and I need to talk to Him. I need to talk to Him a lot.
God Bless
On Dealing and Dying, Part 1
I feel like so much has been going on lately. Not necessarily in my own life, but in everyone around me, and it affects me. My friends all have some kind of problem of another. And what have I been doing? Getting caught up in them and me and not much else. School and work and homework. I really have no idea what happened in the last month or more. If you asked me "So, Robyn, what did you do in Fabruary?" I honestly couldn't tell you. It's like I did nothing of consequence. I hardly even spent time with friends away from school. Course, I went to West Ed with Dara, and we were both so tired the second day that we just sort of walked around... XD yeah. LOve you Dara!
Mexico was a killer for a while. Should I or shouldn't I? I feel soo much relief that I'm not going. I really do. And while I'm still not sure if it was all in my own head, or God was telling me NO, or the Devil was tripping me up... I don't know, but I don't feel torn up about it. I do feel a little bit of dissappointment, because Brittany told me she was excited to go with ME. I figured she would have other friends there, which she does. She'll be fine. I still want to go on a short-term missions trip. But not now. Not with Mr. P or with Koinonia, or anything else. I want to go with a church or something. A trip that has a leader I can talk to and actually agree with on more than one point. AND most importantly, a trip that my GOD wants me to be on. I can only pray that I will know. Maybe He doesn't want to me to anywhere period. Maybe He wants me to stay here, find Him HERE.
I've been dealing with the whole trust issue lately. Why is it so hard, for instance, just to let it go? I know that God is so much greater, so much more powerful and capable than me. Infinitely. It shouldn't be so hard to let Him help me. But then again, it never is that easy, is it? Because the Enemy is always there too. My sinful human nature is always right beside my spiritual side. There are so many things to cloud the glass so that I can't see. But what is so good is that right now, this moment, I can know that God is here. I may not feel Him physically, but I can find a peace in my soul that He is watching and loving and holding me close.
Don't cry, I won't be gone long
Well, I fixed my blog. I think this one is a little more season neutral, and not so much... white and blue. -cough- anyways. I'm leaving tommorow at 7:30. I'm very tired. I'm wondering how cold it's going to be in Edson... so close to the mountains... standing outside... for three hours... -shudder- It should be interesting, and i get to miss school. Why not? Only I get four days with Catherine and Cassie. Wow. I am going to be very insane next time you guys see me. Yes. And extremely tired. I know it. =P I didn't even go to biblestudy tonight, because I thought I'd do some homework and all that jazz. I've been trying... it's just not working. Gah.
Well, I gotta go... do more stuff... and yeay.
Hey, if any of you want to see how I'm doing while I'm gone, all the results will be posted on the website, and you can see what spot I'm in and stuff like that! Try going
HERE and see if it works. Otherwise it will be www.albertagames.com and go to RESULTS, and then enter in for sport: bowling 5 pin and it is ZONE 4 and my name will be on the list, along with the other bowlers from our zone. Ok, great. I hope I do well, in case anyone decides to check... meh. Don't laugh at me if I do really bad, ok? OK.
BYE! See you everyone on Monday!
Why does no one answer me???
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Okay, just had to get that out. It's been a crazy day already. A whole four hours of work ended up wiping me out for the day. Hah. It only takes one person to call in sick and the whole place goes into choas! Nellie asked me to stay till 6, and then I said I could only stay till 4, then she let me go at 2, which was when I was originally off in the first place. =P I've been really stressed out, very happy, and worried all in a huge range of intervals all morning. Now I can't get a hold of anyone to see what's happening. Apparently Sarah's at Jessica's , but there was no answer at the Reaman house. So I called Dara, and no answer there either. Then I called Sarah's house. No answer. Geez. I just hope I'm not missing everyone and they're doing the project without me. Bad that would be, yes. What am I to do? Call again soon. And hope someone knows something. Gah.
Well. Edmonton was great, and I spent a heck of a lot of money. But I was expecting to. And rides and walking and mini golf and Curious George... it was all kind of jumbled, and me and Dara were just beyond tired the second day. But we made bears at Build-A-Bear! Yey, that was fun. ^__^ Julius is so cute!
I wonder if Dara has talked to Brittney yet....
I will be praying for that situation, and I hope it works out.
Hmmmmm.... Dara has once again shown me a good band. That would be Yellowcard. They're pretty fun, and I've decided that I like them. Between them and the Killers, I officially have a connection to the bad bad world of secular music. -GASP- how dare I? I dare. Because not all 'non-christian, not worship, beat filled' music isn't completely BAD. Despite what crazed fanatics in the church think. Oh and Mr. V. He doesn't like rock music in the church. Found that out. Sometimes, I think he should keep opinions to himself, because it either comes out really offensive or like he's judging everyone else. Don't ever tell him that though, because I would rather just let it lie and ignore half of his opinionated comments.
And Dara, you are NOT in a cult. Remember when you were (and still are) so troubled by the whole 'cult' thing, and we were talking about different denominations? Well, I don't think we should get so caught up in what you believe and what I believe and the little things that are different. Yes, it can be important, but just because one church has some different ways of doing things, they believe in my God, and know my Jesus. Why is that so bad? You can't look at one church and say "they're doing that wrong!" and think your own church is perfect. Maybe that church you're all down on thinks the same of you. But the thing is, they're Christians like us, and we can still fellowship with them. We NEED to fellowship with them. Becuase two churches have different ideas, then maybe being around each other can help them work out what really is wrong in what they do and what is good. But we get so caught up in staying away from 'bad things' and judging others. Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when there's a plank in your own? God has taken me to that verse when I'm looking for answers a couple times. And as much as it bothers me and I say "no God, I don't want to look at my own faults. Can't you see how wrong THEY are???" I know in my heart that it is true. And judging will only blind you more.
Yes, we do have to be careful. Always. Go into every church with self-control and test it. But don't let the wrong things obstruct your view. God IS in the church, no matter what others may say. People just tend to bury Him.
I wish it could be more simple. That we could all be one body in Christ, like it should be. But it isn't that way. And I'm not sure if it will ever be the way it was planned. Sometimes I wish we WERE more persecuted in North America. It would make us look past differences and unite as a church under God, not divide over man's own differences. Still, that is not for us right now. It is the trial of the Christians to face a world that doesn't care and is so focused on other things. It is our persecution to live in a country that won't give a darn about religion and God and death. It is so hard for us to look to Jesus for help, because the world tells us that isn't the answer. It crowds out life and love and faith.
Well, I really wasn't intending to write about that, and I 'm sorry for rambling so much. But I do have a lot of days to make up for in this blog. Dara's probably ready to slap me or deck me with that weapon attached to her arm. I think I'll go cower in the corner. Or try to call people again. Yeah. I need to do that.
Yeah.... okay. I Will write later!
What a Trip
I've only written three times this month. Two were in the same day so that doesn't even count. TWICE! AHHH!
Well then, I'm working tonite. That's fun. I haven't worked for a week. I was sick last weekend. But that's not why. I'm eating a burnt grilled cheese sandwich. I made it myself. I'm very proud. But I'm better at making Banana milkshakes. I made one of those too. It wasn't burnt. Yum.
Let's see... I was up late last night listening to an excerpt from the book I just finished reading: Showdown. Ted Dekker. It was an amazing book, and I cried and I laughed and I almost puked. It moved me. You should read it. But read The Circle Trilogy first. It makes more sense after that. Hah. So I have this CD Dara borrowed to me, and it has a song for Martyr's Song, and an interview, and an excerpt. So I was like "Ok, this is cool, I wonder what it sounds like when someone reads the book" So I listened thinking it would just be the little prologue and maybe the first chapter.... almost and hour and about six chapters later.... I'm awake listening to the stupid thing... I spent ALL evening finishing the last third of Showdown. I mean that. The WHOLE ENTIRE EVENING. Because I wanted to finish it and had nothing else to do.
Yep. Then I went to The BIngo Hall to help mom and dad clean at like 10-ish and got home at midnight and listened to a thing till after 1. Am I smart? Yes. My brain is still a little scrambled from that HORRENDOUS Chem exam yesterday. Man, that was bad. Like really bad. Just like English. And Social didn't matter becuase it's not really worth a lot.
My sandwich is cold. Ewww.
So I need to read another book. A biography for Mexico. Whooopppeee. Mr. P is driving me up the wall. The other day in our little Mexico meeting (go us...) he gave us a 'what if' question. And you know what? It actually WAS a what if question! Wow. Mr. P Will amaze you. so he said "What if, on the Mexico trip, no one was allowed to have any kind of electronics whatsoever." (He likes that word... whatsoever, immediately, things like that.... grrr...) and a bunch of us just went "WHAT?" I don't get how music could be a bad thing. He said we should have group time and alone time, and I like to listen to music. No, it's alone time with God "Be still and know that I am God" That's what he said, and it is a point that sometimes we need to be quiet and just listen, but sometimes that just doesn't work. Music that is praising God's name is not going to draw me farther away from him. Listening to music on the bus is not going to make me a loner and destroy our lovely 'team spirit' or whatever he said it was. Then he asked "How much are you willing to give up to follow Christ?" and that hurts. I don't think any of us really went into this thinking "Okay, this is like I'm a real missionary and i have to give up everything in my life" That is definitely not what I was thinking. I'm not ready to give it all up. I know I should be, but if that's not enough, then maybe they shouldn't let me go. Because I can't. I can't give up something like my music. Sorry if that's selfish, but sometimes we NEED music. We need to get away from the world sometimes.
I don't know why it's so hard for me to grasp the idea of leaving my music behind. It's becoming a lifeline, and I'm not sure I could handle silence. Or noise. Because music blocks out both of those things. I'd like to be still and just listen, but sometimes that's just not possible. Don't they get that? I don't know what to think. It's not decided yet, but I could see it as something Mr. P would do. Probably to build our characters or something. We would only be able to listen to music on the bus anyways, not at the camp. We can't always be talking to another person or being quiet. Hours and hours of either silence or deafening noise on a bus through the states. I wouldn't be able to handle that very well.
Sick. I'm sick of this and I'm not even close to going yet. I feel like it's so much more than just going to Mexico to show the kids God's love. I feel like there is too much else going on. It's not that simple.
Not that simple at all.
POISON COOKIES!
Well, okay. Dara told me to just write something. So I did. =P But it's LATE, and I'm going to kill her because I've lost precious precious sleep over her. That's just how special she is. Key word being SPECIAL. That's right. And I mean that in the best possible way. I know you're laughing, so DON'T DENY IT.
It's great how everyong says I'm really spiritual. Hah. I haven't been believe me, and I wish I was more that way than anything. I'm trying to go deeper, but it always ends up hurting. Anyways, don't let this blog deceive you. Actually, read it for what it is: A screwed up teenager trying to figure God and what He wants to do in my life. Not to mention battling schoolwork and teachers and things like that. I'd love to say that I'm super spiritual and all about God, and have everyone look up to me, but the truth I guess is that I'm too far away from all of that. No one really knows how much I struggle, except for my closest friends who hear me say all the things that I do. (and you all know who you are) All the people who have seen my anger and BITTERNESS, and been angry at me. And I'd like to thank My mom, and my dad for making this moment possible...
But good news. I'm going to take some (what would you call it?) career tests, to get a list of the most likely jobs that I would be good at. I think that's how it works. I really realyl want to do it as soon as i can, because it would help even in the next semester. (whoopee, not even goign to have Social to keep me interested.) I'm going to be bored out of my freakin' life.
Notice I don't talk about guys on my blog? Hah, yeah. I'm smarter than that. Because if I did, everyone would know, and see the inner depths of my poor pitiful lovesick... soul?? Right. I need God too much. I need His romance not someone else's, but I wouldn't complain.
Stopping that paragraph before I get too carried away. Is this enough pointless cheese for you Dara? I live to please you master. hah, funny story. Once upon a time when our computer had a microphone on it, Richard recorded himself. Now, imagine my brother talking in a weird creepyish voice like that of the servant dude of Doctor Frankenstein. Roughly. And he said this: Yes, master. Whatever you saaay, master. I live to serrrve you master. That's why I will serve you a cookie with pooooison in it.
Ahem. It's was... funny. Hilarious even. You would have had to be there...
Really.
I think I'm done now. Bye.
...
Dara is a fat yak.
That's right.
BE OFFENDED!
Great Worth
YOUR BEAUTY SHOULD NOT COME FROM OUTWARD ADORNMENT, SUCH AS BRAIDED HAIR AND THE WEARING OF GOLD JEWELRY AND FINE CLOTHES. INSTEAD, IT SHOULD BE THAT OF YOUR INNER SELF , THE UNFADING BEAUTY OF A GENTLE AND QUIET SPIRIT, WHICH IS OF GREAT WORTH IN GOD'S SIGHT.
--1 PETER 3:3-4
I love that verse. That's mine and Sarah's, I've decided we can share it. Yes. People have told me before that I have a "quiet spirit" and that's sort of why I liked it at first. But now I realize that the people who told me that before were the kind of people who only saw me in youth group and church who only see the quiet shyness I have when I'm in groups like that of people I don't know so well. Yeah, because I think my better friends wouldn't say I have a quiet spirit... ooooh. Atleast not this year. I've been unhappy, bitter, resentful, angry, cynical, and anything but "quiet". Not all the time, but a lot of times I have been just not the nice joy joy happy kind of person. Now though, I get this verse better. I know it's not saying that woman should never talk or, heaven forbid, LOOK like anything nice. No, it's simply saying that our beauty should be MORE than outward looks. It's all about the heart.
"TO HAVE A GENTLE AND QUIET SPIRIT IS TO HAVE A HEART OF FAITH, A HEART THAT TRUSTS IN GOD, A SPIRIT THAT HAS BEEN QUIETED BY HIS LOVE AND FILLED WITH HIS PEACE. NOT A HEART THAT IS STRIVING AND RESTLESS"
(Captivating, Stasi Eldredge)
That explains it pretty well, I think. I have definitely been restless, but not really striving. Atleast not physically. More like not caring. Maybe I did have a more peaceful spirit a couple years ago, but right now I am learning to desperately want and pray for it. I want to be beautiful. A beauty that is not physical. The kind of beauty that puts others around me at rest, happy to be around you, not a striving to be perfect. The kind of infectious peace and laughter I've seen in precious few people in my life.
Janey - Mrs. Olsen - is one person like that. Just being around her, she has such joy and peace that you can't help but be happy. She is amazing, and truly beautiful. But the thing is, she's leaving! Moved to Calgary. -sigh- And I won't see her for a while. That one less wonderful person in my life.
God, I want to be beautiful. I don't want to try to make myself perfect, striving to be something I'm not on the outside. Give my Spirit peace, teach me to be captivating and full of joy. God, come into the places in my heart that are wounded and broken. Where I am angry and bitter and impatient. God heal me and touch me and be with me always. Teach me Your love. Show me how I'm beautiful, how YOU see me. Free my heart to hear Your voice. Give me a passion for Your word.
